I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
