We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
