I just threw up on my dentist
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
