This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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