I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Found your dick twin last night
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
