I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
