I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
