she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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