Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
