Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Less talking, more tequila
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
