Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
