I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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