tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
