There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I need moral support for this bender
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
