I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
