There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
