I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
