your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
