I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
