I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it because I queefed?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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