What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I am one with the molecules
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
