Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
