That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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