brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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