I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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