she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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