dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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