i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So much rum. So many feels.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
