Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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