how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
