i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
