Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
