Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
