My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
