I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
