What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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