I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
