The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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