Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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