Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
