I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The best revenge is premature balding
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
