Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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