Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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