Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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