I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
