you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
