Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
cat food counts as protein by the way
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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