he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
