Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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