I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
A bitchslap is in order.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
