But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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