Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
