Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
