i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
